Staryeyed on Xanga

Rantings

Tuesday, 02 November 2010

Rebirth

So, here I am! Its been 2 years since the last time I ever visited my xanga page, read anyone elses, or even really thought about it. But tonight it came to mind and I realized that, so few people probably read this anymore that I could once again just start mainstreaming my random, depressive, angry, inspirational, nonsensical thoughts here again and not have it make a bit of difference on peoples lives! Not that that is an especially good thing, since I have pushed away pretty much all of my former friends since my life started falling apart....3? 4? Years ago??? I am just now starting to find a few of the minuscule fragments of my pride, self-confidence, wisdom, common sense, and self-worth that I started losing track of before I lost a huge chunk of my life. Since that event honestly I feel as if my life has just continued down hill. Before that day, I left college without graduating (an error I am now finally trying to remedy). I moved home and got my own apartment with a "sister" of mine because I foolishly just wanted to start my life when I wasnt quite ready, I was just tired of being continually beaten down so I tried to rein in my life and take control of it all on my own. And you know? it could have possibly worked too, except shortly before my "Sister" and I finalized on our place our mutual best friend or sibling practically died. It was life changing obviously, and sadly it didnt work in a way that helped us better our own lives. We all spiraled into a depression that I still think we are struggling to bypass. It didnt help us appreciate life anymore, it helped us realize honestly, just how less spectacular life was now that he was gone. How increasingly depressing and disappointing life was. I mean, if it was that bad already, GOD just how could it get any worse?!? That was and still is my thought process anyway because as I stated already my life has just been one GIANT sledding hill of disappointment after disappointment.

As I said, my "sis" and I were getting an apartment and the only real details that I will go in-depth about that is that if we had not picked up our freeloader "roomates" in a two bedroom apartment, we might have fought less. Our friendship would have been strained less, when it honestly needed to be at its strongest, on both ends. There were so many communication problems, so many lies spread, so much stress and drama that it just drained us both of our strength back then when...we really had no extra to spare. So that sucked some life out of me but we still tried to make the best of it...until the NEXT major road block appeared.

A little over a year ago, the day after coming home from pennsic 38 I had a serious discussion with my mother. As if I needed any other disappointing, HORRIBLE news, my mothers cancer came back. Its been about 12 years ago..back when we were all still in high school and I was still trying to decide how to enjoy anything in my life ( what I would give to go back to those days NOW!) my mother was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. It was treatable but still aggressive so it was a struggle and a strain but we all managed to get through it. Now. NOW almost 10 years since she was "cleared" of her cancer...cured supposedly...its back. Two times as bad. To progress from stage 2 breast cancer to a stage 4 is bad. Its incurable. Our only hope at this point is for the treatment to cause a remission (which it seems to be working its way towards the possibility of said outcome just now..) Lets just say, its been incredibly hard to be the rock around here. My parents wanted me to move home. Honestly my mom wanted me home, I doubt my dad cares if Im here or not, especially not since I refused to get rid of my cats (they belonged to "his" oldest brother so they make me feel like somehow, in some tiny way, that he is near me) My mother wanted me home because I listen and dont have to fix it afterwards. The boys try to be there for her but they dont understand. They cant fix her sadness. They can only share in it and attempt to help her cope with it while we try to hold ourselves together.

All I can say is, if I lose my mother my life will be pretty much over. She is everything to me. She is MY rock. MY role-model. My life. My life right now is centered around her happiness and health. If I can help her accomplish things shes always wanted to accomplish I will (we just recently went to Europe, she always wanted to travel) But I yearn for a life of my own...and am feeling as if I am slowly losing the person I was attempting to be....my life is my mother...and attempting to just survive another day in this monotony called "life". If this is life....PLEASE direct me on how to manage some semblance of a happiness occurring within it.

I dont even know what Ive typed anymore...its 5am...I've been awake for close to 24 hrs now....sleepy time...goodnight everyone (meaning no one since no one reads this anymore! ha!)

~*Steph*~

Monday, 01 December 2008

responce from one of the so called "drama whores"

So....some people think they know everything. Some people believe that if they know everything that it also means they are completely in the right. This is laughable. It just makes it glaringly obvious just how naive that person really is.

Take this for example:
To criticize someones method of grieving? Its wrong. Maybe the actions that person or people took was the best way to help them and possibly others either grieve or just to deal with it. But just because you do not believe it was proper does not mean that your opinion on the matter is correct. You're certainly allowed to have that opinion if you so choose, but you do not go announcing it to the world because then it is just in bad taste. But if you honestly paid attention you would see that the parents of the deceased actually appreciated what was said, then that means there was nothing wrong with it. But that probably was not even noticed.

Another point to bring up is this. We all do not know for sure how or why he died. Those people who have been with him day in and day out know more than a general speculation so, to believe he killed himself without all the facts is just plain ignorant. If he was really your friend you should maybe try to get all the facts before you just label his death as something so horrible.

And lets see, what you wanted to talk to his parents about? Pretty sure its already known. In one way or another, its known. So the fact that you think the "drama whores" are not doing anything about said situation could be because once again you, who have no been an active part in any of our lives anymore for whatever reason you want to believe because I am done arguing that point, might not know everything!

And the reason why any of us might have just acted like everything was ok between all of us might have been the fact that all of us just had someone die who we all cared for a lot in our own way. So it might have something to do with the fact that we did not want to have petty problems to deal with on that day because maybe they should not have mattered as much as what really was going on. Maybe you should not have shunned the fact that we were just trying to be friendly because we believed you would be upset, whether you wanted to show it, share it or not. So please, get your facts straight before you go on a name calling rant thats full of false truths and incomplete information. Because believe it or not you do not know everything. No one does.

Wednesday, 03 September 2008

Betrayal

I miss the days when I felt like I could tell my "best friends" anything and it would never reach another persons ears unless I wanted it to...instead of my inner most secrets being blabbed for "someone elses benefit"......is there no one left in this world who I can just talk to and not fear it being repeated?.....not anymore it seems...that one true confidant died....so now I just have to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself....forever.

Tuesday, 01 July 2008

random song

....it just seems worthless without him.
every second of the day drags on.
its not worth it without him because my heart
feels like it just cant go on.
Just picture your own life
and cut out something you cant live without.
Now try to deal.

Its worthless without him
cause every day just passes me by
its nothing without him
my soul just wants to touch the sky
soar high above the clouds, leaving
behind my shroud of tears
leave all my fears...

theres no point without him
no point to pushing through the day
no point in telling you
"I'm ok"
when Im hopless without you

I dunno...I really was only going to write a one line post...and this came out...comments please...its depressing I know but I dont care...it speaks how I feel right now. Going to go cry myself to sleep now since I havent stopped since I got home at 12....goodnight.

Monday, 23 June 2008

So I havent updated this in a long time...I kinda forgot all about it. Now I have a real reason for posting. I've been going through all my past drama and whatever...and I still seem to write more about the bad than good...but then again I used to use this as my overall outlet for anything and everything. But now theres a true reason for this. One of my closest and best friends is dead. Gone forever. And I will never know why. His funeral/memorial service was sat and Meg, Erin and I all pulled together a eulogy of epic proportions I would say.....which Im so glad we did because the priest at this service talked more about god and his ways than he did about ryan...and what he said about him just was either wrong or terribly portrayed. There were several people who I know for a fact didnt get upset until his mom and then we all talked. There were so many people there...I took some pictures for the couple people who couldnt be there and wanted to be. Thank you to everyone who made it there and beyond, it meant the world to me and Im sure to so many others.

I really havent been able to really totally let all of this out...I break down every now and then but...if I really let myself go Id prolly cry so hard..so long..that it would make me sick...and then Id still be crying. Id probably cried until I just passed out. But I feel I need to be strong...for the others around me...or for no other reason than its just what I usually do. So I may look ok on the outside but on the inside its a raging storm just waiting for my damn to spring a big enough leak that it can finally just burst through....and then Im done for. I'll fall apart if I let this go..because the only way it will happen is If Im alone I think...or with just the right few people alone. I feel bad getting so upset around other people who are upset too...I dont want to make them crack either...but Im totally devastated and I dont know if I can keep it in much longer.

Every day that goes by I think of him constantly. Im seeing things that I know he would have loved to do, or buy, or sing, or just overall be a part of. Ive spent every single day and as many free hours as possible with meg and erin just so that we can all help each other fill the huge black hole that is now in our lives. We may all be having a good time together but I know that at the same time we all stop and think how he would love this...or how much we just wish he was fucking there! I know I curse the world at least once everyday right now for taking such a beautiful, loving, amazing person from this world....there are too few of them here on this earth to begin with...and we are now shorted one more.

Ryan...heres to you. I promise to pull my life back together eventually. I promise to live my life to as full as I possibly can and still be responsible. I promise to stop doing stupid shit that could cause big problems. But most of all I promise that you will always be family to me, you will always be my friend. I love you with all of my heart and I always always ALWAYS will....and when I eventually do come and meet you again in the great beyond Im going to tackle you like I always do and bawl because I will have missed you hugs for decades....and then I will pick your brain as to what happened...because I wont know until we meet again..my dearest friend.

Oh god now Im crying...I already thought I wasnt going to sleep tonight now I know I wont...I should have never started this. I cant even imagine my life without him...I just cant. God its not fucking FAIR! I want my winder back so bad...I want to hear him laugh..cry..yell..hell I even just want to hear him talk..just once more. But it will never happen...and Im scared of whats to come because this just hurts so damn much I dont know what to do. Thank god for my sisters...I dunno what I would have done without meg and erin, because they are family to me too...and ryan was family to them...so we are all devistated, and forced to go on with our shitty lives almost like nothing happened.

I really need to stop this...I cant take writting anymore and Im sure you dont want to read anymore so until later...Im going to try to force myself to sleep...goodnight.