Rantings

Monday, 01 December 2008

  • responce from one of the so called "drama whores"

    So....some people think they know everything.  Some people believe that if they know everything that it also means they are completely in the right.  This is laughable.  It just makes it glaringly obvious just how naive that person really is.

    Take this for example:
        To criticize someones method of grieving?  Its wrong.  Maybe the actions that person or people took was the best way to help them and possibly others either grieve or just to deal with it.  But just because you do not believe it was proper does not mean that your opinion on the matter is correct.  You're certainly allowed to have that opinion if you so choose, but you do not go announcing it to the world because then it is just in bad taste.  But if you honestly paid attention you would see that the parents of the deceased actually appreciated what was said, then that means there was nothing wrong with it.  But that probably was not even noticed.

    Another point to bring up is this.  We all do not know for sure how or why he died.  Those people who have been with him day in and day out know more than a general speculation so, to believe he killed himself without all the facts is just plain ignorant.  If he was really your friend you should maybe try to get all the facts before you just label his death as something so horrible.

    And lets see, what you wanted to talk to his parents about?  Pretty sure its already known.  In one way or another, its known.  So the fact that you think the "drama whores" are not doing anything about said situation could be because once again you, who have no been an active part in any of our lives anymore for whatever reason you want to believe because I am done arguing that point, might not know everything! 

    And the reason why any of us might have just acted like everything was ok between all of us might have been the fact that all of us just had someone die who we all cared for a lot in our own way.  So it might have something to do with the fact that we did not want to have petty problems to deal with on that day because maybe they should not have mattered as much as what really was going on.  Maybe you should not have shunned the fact that we were just trying to be friendly because we believed you would be upset, whether you wanted to show it, share it or not.  So please, get your facts straight before you go on a name calling rant thats full of false truths and incomplete information.  Because believe it or not you do not know everything.  No one does.

Wednesday, 03 September 2008

  • Betrayal

    I miss the days when I felt like I could tell my "best friends" anything and it would never reach another persons ears unless I wanted it to...instead of my inner most secrets being blabbed for "someone elses benefit"......is there no one left in this world who I can just talk to and not fear it being repeated?.....not anymore it seems...that one true confidant died....so now I just have to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself....forever.

Tuesday, 01 July 2008

  • random song

    ....it just seems worthless without him.
    every second of the day drags on.
    its not worth it without him because my heart
    feels like it just cant go on.
    Just picture your own life
    and cut out something you cant live without.
    Now try to deal.

    Its worthless without him
    cause every day just passes me by
    its nothing without him
    my soul just wants to touch the sky
    soar high above the clouds, leaving
    behind my shroud of tears
    leave all my fears...

    theres no point without him
    no point to pushing through the day
    no point in telling you
    "I'm ok"
    when Im hopless without you



    I dunno...I really was only going to write a one line post...and this came out...comments please...its depressing I know but I dont care...it speaks how I feel right now.  Going to go cry myself to sleep now since I havent stopped since I got home at 12....goodnight.

Monday, 23 June 2008

  • So I havent updated this in a long time...I kinda forgot all about it.  Now I have a real reason for posting.  I've been going through all my past drama and whatever...and I still seem to write more about the bad than good...but then again I used to use this as my overall outlet for anything and everything.  But now theres a true reason for this.  One of my closest and best friends is dead.  Gone forever.  And I will never know why.  His funeral/memorial service was sat and Meg, Erin and I all pulled together a eulogy of epic proportions I would say.....which Im so glad we did because the priest at this service talked more about god and his ways than he did about ryan...and what he said about him just was either wrong or terribly portrayed.  There were several people who I know for a fact didnt get upset until his mom and then we all talked.  There were so many people there...I took some pictures for the couple people who couldnt be there and wanted to be.  Thank you to everyone who made it there and beyond, it meant the world to me and Im sure to so many others. 

    I really havent been able to really totally let all of this out...I break down every now and then but...if I really let myself go Id prolly cry so hard..so long..that it would make me sick...and then Id still be crying.  Id probably cried until I just passed out.  But I feel I need to be strong...for the others around me...or for no other reason than its just what I usually do.  So I may look ok on the outside but on the inside its a raging storm just waiting for my damn to spring a big enough leak that it can finally just burst through....and then Im done for.  I'll fall apart if I let this go..because the only way it will happen is If Im alone I think...or with just the right few people alone.  I feel bad getting so upset around other people who are upset too...I dont want to make them crack either...but Im totally devastated and I dont know if I can keep it in much longer.

    Every day that goes by I think of him constantly.  Im seeing things that I know he would have loved to do, or buy, or sing, or just overall be a part of.  Ive spent every single day and as many free hours as possible with meg and erin just so that we can all help each other fill the huge black hole that is now in our lives.  We may all be having a good time together but I know that at the same time we all stop and think how he would love this...or how much we just wish he was fucking there!  I know I curse the world at least once everyday right now for taking such a beautiful, loving, amazing person from this world....there are too few of them here on this earth to begin with...and we are now shorted one more.

    Ryan...heres to you.  I promise to pull my life back together eventually.  I promise to live my life to as full as I possibly can and still be responsible.  I promise to stop doing stupid shit that could cause big problems.  But most of all I promise that you will always be family to me, you will always be my friend.  I love you with all of my heart and I always always ALWAYS will....and when I eventually do come and meet you again in the great beyond Im going to tackle you like I always do and bawl because I will have missed you hugs for decades....and then I will pick your brain as to what happened...because I wont know until we meet again..my dearest friend.

    Oh god now Im crying...I already thought I wasnt going to sleep tonight now I know I wont...I should have never started this.  I cant even imagine my life without him...I just cant.  God its not fucking FAIR!  I want my winder back so bad...I want to hear him laugh..cry..yell..hell I even just want to hear him talk..just once more.  But it will never happen...and Im scared of whats to come because this just hurts so damn much I dont know what to do.  Thank god for my sisters...I dunno what I would have done without meg and erin, because they are family to me too...and ryan was family to them...so we are all devistated, and forced to go on with our shitty lives almost like nothing happened. 

    I really need to stop this...I cant take writting anymore and Im sure you dont want to read anymore so until later...Im going to try to force myself to sleep...goodnight.

Wednesday, 20 February 2008

  • I want my love back

    Im sitting here and just thinking again....alone....and miserable...

    Its snowing here, a lovely amount..school could even be closed tomorrow because of it...but thats wishful thinking.

    anyway....I just really wish...I had him back...I hate feeling lonely..

    ...when we were together...even when I was here and he was in Jersey....I never really ever felt alone...not like I do now...theres a hole within me that I feel could engulf me from the inside out...

    ..am I unlovable?  Is there something within me thats so terribly flawed that no one wants to be with me?...to stay with me?...I just wish something worked out for me for once...just once!  I was happy....so very happy...like how I thought I was a year ago....but it all just falls apart..

    ...The sad thing about this is that I was blindly happy...thinking that everything was perfect for everyone...believing the lies...about us making this long term...all the other sweet words that...I dont know if I can even believe anymore....because...all of a sudden...theres something wrong with "us"....well Ive got this feeling that there are holes in his story...I dont know whether the believe that we just grew apart...that we have nothing in common anymore and that we've been drifting apart for months...I love him...and this sudden..change of heart..its just..not fair.

    I know all I can do is continue to better myself and my life...and hope that whatever...flaw..that I have will be smoothed out with all the other rough edges of my life...because Im sick of thinking Im finally going to just be happy and having it be RIPPED away violently..causing me to spiral into a depression that I cant even begin to describe.  At least as this depression is setting in nicely Im getting the rest of my life back in order, so maybe I dont hate myself and my life so much...

    all I have left to say is...that everything I do everyday has something that reminds me of him...and probably always will....*sigh*..

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